dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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