I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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