I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
