Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
