Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
