Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
