she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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