I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
