The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
