yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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