if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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