i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
