im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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