hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
