I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
