she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
