I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
