i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
