i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
