im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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