Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
