just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
