True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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