the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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