i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize