After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
