He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Little spoons don't ask big questions
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
