I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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