Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
