everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
