if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
