she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
