Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
