If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
