we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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