I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
