Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Randomize
