Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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