I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
