Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
