I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
