Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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