Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
