There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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