ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
