apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
