just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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