I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
