I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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