The best revenge is premature balding
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i need some magic done to my vagina
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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