mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
