Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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