i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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