I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
