When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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