Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
