Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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