YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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